


Inquiring Minds Yearn to Know...

by Hiver_Frost_Elf



Category: DC's Legends of Tomorrow (TV), The Flash (TV 2014)
Genre: Gen, Hijinks & Shenanigans, Humor, POV Second Person, Prank Wars, Texting
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-04-16
Updated: 2017-04-17
Packaged: 2018-10-19 17:55:44
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 1,090
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10645044
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Hiver_Frost_Elf/pseuds/Hiver_Frost_Elf
Summary: A series of stuff you do to annoy your friends, enemies, and everyone in between.





	1. How to Give Cisco Frostbite

**Author's Note:**

  * Inspired by [100 ways to Annoy You](https://archiveofourown.org/works/10642020) by [CrystalQueen](https://archiveofourown.org/users/CrystalQueen/pseuds/CrystalQueen). 



> I was inspired to delve into the reader is a character genre by analyticalAuthor's [So Here's Your Valentine](http://archiveofourown.org/works/9691568). However, since it didn't directly influence the plot, I listed it here instead of the inspirations box. Thanks for the encouragement/shove into the deep end, Double A :)

Whereas Hartley and Harry mostly just insult him, you annoy STAR Labs’ resident geek in more creative ways.  You deserve vengeance on him for hiding plastic spiders in your milkshakes and replacing your theatrical edition Original Trilogy with those godawful heathenistic Prequels!

So like an impish Captain Cold, you timed your scheme down to the second.  Or, ya know, as close to the second as you get before laziness takes over.  If there’s anything you learned from this incident, it’s that

  1. Vengeance involves a LOT of work—and as the laziest prankster in existence, you almost give up half a dozen times, yet you gaze upon how much effort you’ve already put into it and don’t wanna waste it....  JK, Cisco replaces your Star Wars tees for Twilight trash.  **This means war, Ramon!!!**
  2. Vengeance is best served cold and in a flash.



You clamber up onto your table at Jitters once Cisco and Lisa sit down, point to Cisco, and belt, “THIS IS MY LITTLE GEEK!  ANYONE WHO MESSES WITH HIM WILL GET THEIR ASS KICKED!!!”

Lisa merely chuckles behind her facepalm, yet just like you calculated, Cisco chases after you, leaving an overturned table behind in that hapless coffee shop.  Your kickass parkour skahillz are famous for their table-toppling abilities.

He latches onto your arms and rants that he’s never been yours, is not currently yours, and will never be yours.  Summoning tears and shaky breath is a piece of cake.  You hear sneakers shuffling against the sidewalk and a parka brushing against a sweater nearby.

With your eyes widened like the doomed deer you’re playing, you collapse onto the pavement and twitch and cough, reaching out to your favorite speedster and his bae, “Barry… it’s too late for me, but save my unborn child from his drunken father!”

Cisco spends the next week nursing an agonizingly frosty arm: his dominant one, too.

....Except now, he’s texted love letters to Professor Stein, White Canary, and both Tricksters… from your phone. You reschedule your 9 o'clock with WC cuz the Tricksters won't have another free night available until October.  You're blocked from Stein's cellphone, house phone, and email; and Clarissa has grounded you from her cookies until further notice.

**Oh, two can play at that game!**

You snag Cisco’s phone and text Captain Cold, “....I got Lisa pregnant ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯”

Cisco is now nursing **2** frosty arms and 20 frosty toes ♡♡♡


	2. Do You Know the Mustard Man?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Captain America would read this chapter and say "Language!" but otherwise, this chapter's as gen as the last one. I'll bump the rating to Teen if anybody complains.
> 
> This chapter contains intentional typos cuz you and Cisco are texting. You're also high on pain meds.

You need a nap, food, and drugs.

Not necessarily in that order.

You text your geek: “Morning sickness sucks. U should come take care of me”

“For that last time,” he texts back, “yur NOT fuckin pregnant u asshole!”

“Obvi I’m not fuckin pregnant. I want more 4 our baby than for her to become a whore like you”

“F U”

When you wake up from your drug and nap-induced food, you’re in an uncomfortable chair with your hands trapped behind your back.  Red eyes glow behind you while a red dot from a camera stares at you in a distant corner.

You’ve heard vague snippets of Mustard Man returning to run something called the Legion of Dudes or something like that—Legion of Dunes? Losers of Doom??? Whatever.  As if he could cooperate with multiple free-thinking organisms for any length of time.  He came _this_ close to stabbing you any number of times before Barry fought Attack of the Clones—Plexiglas—no wait, Multiplex.  Apparently, you died when the particle accelerator exploded in the original timeline, so he didn’t plan on dealing with you.

You’re 99% sure those drugs are still in your system cuz you smirk at him when he waddles over in front of you.  Blah blah blah convoluted revenge scheme you don’t give a damn gonna kill you anyway shut up already etc.  You don a face of fury the likes of which no speedster has ever seen: contorted eyebrows, scrunched nose, narrowed eyes, “You’ll never get away with this, Zoom!!!”

He flinches.  His grand retort is tinted with jealousy, “I’m not Zoom, I’m Reverse, you dumbass!” Your blank look nets a summary of your time together. “You posted photos of me wearing a frilly gown with a matching rose crown, handcuffed yourself to me for a day, slow danced with me, dumped ice water on my head, unscrewed the wheels on my wheelchair, bought me Flash crap, screamed ‘YOU HAVE RABIES’ the first time you saw my eyes glow… any of this ringing a bell???”

Of course the jerkass only brings up the lame stuff!  Your crowning achievement was hacking the Time Vault security cameras and replacing his suit with a Minion onesie and the future newspaper hologram with NSFW art of him and Barry. You sent the art and the cold gun to Captain Cold and signed the art in Reverse’s name.  How the cold gun got back into CC’s hands is a mystery for the ages, but who gave Reverse frostbite is not. 

The divinely-inspired feat of genius was a cooperative effort with Iris.  Headlines the following day plastered “Mustard Man Flash Frozen” in Texas-sized font.  More police officers and reporters have died uttering “Mustard Man” than from getting speedster stabbed by him ever since, so really, it was a community service!

“No....” you shake your head dumbly and numbly.  Actually, you’re not entirely sure you shook your head cuz you took the maximum strength dose since you weren’t planning on getting kidnapped by a medium-functioning sociopath today.  You’re pretty sure he’s functioning better than you right now. “Maybe this is a Flashpoint thing.  I just joined Team Flash about a month ago, man.”

He accepts this blatant lie seething with rage.  This must’ve been half a revenge scheme against Barry and half against you.  How dare you not remember your time together!?  He kept your valentine. Aww....  He shoves a lace-bordered construction paper heart in your face as one last sad, desperate attempt to jog your memory.

_Your suit is yellow._

_Your eyes are red._

_Your heart is cold._

_Your brain is dead._

He spouts his ultimatum and how Barry will never rescue you in time or whatever—those drugs gave you ADD, man—psychedelia!  You’re seeing Spirographs, flowers, and peace signs! Whoo-hoo!

He tilts the camera towards you and politely requests your final words to Team Flash.  You cock your lips into a grin and sing.

_Do you know the Mustard Man,_

_the Mustard Man,_

_the Mustard Man?_

_Do you know the Mustard Man who lives on psycho lane!?!_

Only two words describe your subsequent torture session: **WORTH IT!!!**

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks for taking time to read this ♡ enjoy what you do here and everywhere ♡


End file.
